"You wanna start something, tough guy?"
I'm Not from Jersey. My Hair Isn't Enough
Quirky Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It
I'm In Need of Some Bad Medicine
Fiction: Very Slightly Off Balance
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I Can't Guarantee You Won't Be Arrested
The Key to Living in New Jersey
Poetry Corner: Something's Fishy
Stuff That You Didn't Even Want to Know
Stuff That Doesn't Suck Like a Hoover
Soup's On!
A
professor at the University of Illinois researched what your favorite
soup says about your personality. For example, did you know that people
who like chicken noodle soup are more likely to go to church, have a pet
and be stubborn? I didn't know that either. In addition, minestrone-lovers
are more likely to be physically fit, nutrition-conscious, family-spirited
and are unlikely to have a pet. Vegetable soup connoisseurs are homebodies
who read family and home magazines and are less likely to be spontaneous
or a world traveler. Tomato soup lovers are more adventurous, social and
bookish.
I like either cream of potato or lentil, although I have ventured into split pea territory recently and have dared to go into uncharted miso waters. So, I wonder what my soup preferences say about me. These soups are generally vegetable-based, but are kind of chunky similar to minestrone. And will admit that I am a homebody, but I don't read home magazines (why would I want to look at homes that I could never conceivably afford?). On the other hand, I don't have a pet, and I am rather close to my family.
Maybe the better use of this information is for learning more about a potential date. People will often look in medicine cabinets to learn more about a person, making sure he owns a toothbrush or checking for anti-fungal medications. But maybe you should look in his pantry instead. Although opposites do attract, a die-hard chicken soup might want to steer clear of a person who has nothing but 12 cans of tomato soup in his kitchen. Who knows, maybe this kind of information will appear on job applications (only chicken noodles may apply?) and then the ACLU will sue because Denny's refuses to serve minestrone.
It could happen.
Faking It
Riddle me this: What do trout and porn stars have in common? They both fake orgasms. Swedish scientists discovered that female brown trout would open their mouths and quiver violently with a male trout. Under normal conditions (like if they live together or if they've at least gone ring shopping), the pair would simultaneously release eggs and sperm to achieve fertilization.
But researchers have discovered that frequently, females would hold back their eggs at the last moment, while the male releases his sperm. If a superior male (one who wasn't afraid of commitment and could hold down a job) would happen to swim by, then the female would repeat the courting process, mating with the better fish. If this second fetching fish didn't happen to glide by, then the female would release her eggs and mate with the first fish. The theory is that this practice increases the amount of sperm in the water when the female finally releases her eggs, therefore increasing her chances of fertilization.
What have we learned from these bewitching brown trout? I honestly haven't got a clue. I personally don't believe in faking orgasms, but in my time I have faked being a redhead and an interest in the intricacies of college football. I don't think this is a bad thing. It fulfilled a need at the time. We all stretch the truth a bit, either by wearing high-heeled shoes to make us look taller or by nodding periodically and smiling while your boss is talking about the latest profit margins.
Generally, I believe that honesty is the best policy, but if I were a Swedish brown trout trying desperately to produce baby brown trout, I'd probably do it too. But then I'd probably end up on a Jerry Springer show entitled, "I had sex with a fish, and my boyfriend doesn't know." And that's just not good.
