"You wanna start something, tough guy?"
I'm Not from Jersey. My Hair Isn't Enough
Quirky Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It
I'm In Need of Some Bad Medicine
Fiction: Very Slightly Off Balance
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I Can't Guarantee You Won't Be Arrested
The Key to Living in New Jersey
Poetry Corner: Something's Fishy
Stuff That You Didn't Even Want to Know
Stuff That Doesn't Suck Like a Hoover
I moved to the Garden State from the Buckeye State over two years ago. You would think I would get used to the pace by now. But I'm not. Time and time again, I am reminded that there are certain things you can't even attempt to do in New Jersey. For example:
- Don't try to do anything during the weekend. I know that any normal person will want to, but resist the urge. It's just not worth your physical safety or your mental health. If you go shopping, the stores will be crowded and customer service is simply unheard of. You will spend too much of your valuable time in line waiting to throw your hard earned money at someone who can barely count to 10. Also, some counties have Blue Laws, which means certain stores can't open on Sundays. The funny thing is that liquor stores are always open. So you can't buy a new set of Martha Stewart sheets in periwinkle at Kmart, but you can always get a 40 ouncer and a carton of menthol cigarettes. I don't understand this logic. Anyway, do everything that you need to do during the week. Sure, when you get home at 7 p.m. on Thursday, you're tired and want to eat ice cream and watch Friends, but don't be tempted to sit on your ass. Save it for the weekend.
- Don't go grocery shopping or to the bank near the first of the month. This is just a fact, not a value statement. Banks and grocery stores just happened to be crowded around the same time that the government checks are issued.
- Don't expect people to be nice to you. Be shocked if you get a genuine "Have a nice day." You just got lucky that a sales associate decided to serve you, even if he is getting paid to do it.
- Don't ever special order something from a store. It will never arrive.
- Don't expect people to do their jobs. They will say to you, "We'll call you." It is now your job to remind them that they are supposed to order the sage green queen-sized fitted sheet you wanted or that they are supposed to let you when your prescription is filled.
- Don't expect people to abide by traffic laws. You'll just get yourself killed. When you are on the road, assume that all the other drivers are really stupid and are out to get you. I've found that this the best way to avoid getting myself killed.
- Hope that you don't get a seriously ill. I personally do not trust doctors in Hudson County, so I drive a half an hour to see my primary care physician. Just recently, I was given a prescription for an antibiotic for a respiratory tract infection (I have asthma, so this can be kind of serious). I went to the pharmacy in Jersey City to get it filled, thinking it was a pretty common and simple prescription only to be told that they didn't have the drug. I was assured I would have it the next day. I eventually got better, but imagine if I was really sick.
- You had better be sure of foot, since snow doesn't get cleared from sidewalks and streets until God gets tired of torturing us and makes the sun shine. And I hope you were an industrious gopher in a past life, because you have to dig out your car from your parking spot on the street. But the strange thing is that despite all this, the busses keep running Monday through Friday. The weekends are a completely different story.