Monstress Issue 3

"You wanna start something, tough guy?"

Stuff That Doesn't Suck Like a Hoover

Erica's Rules for Dating: The Saga Continues

"Hey Vinny, this friggin' thing ain't half bad"

I was hanging with one of my buddies who wanted to show me something on his computer. He went to his bookmarks on his browser for a web site and in the split second, it was there, I saw it.

"What is the Naked News?" I inquired.

My sweet and innocent mind first thought that might be bare bones, stripped down news with no political commentary or annoying human-interest stories about little Sally who's making a brave recovery from the flu.

If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. It's beautiful women reading the news while taking off their clothes. To make matters worse, they don't even read the news that well. In the one clip that I saw, the young woman mispronounced Taliban. Granted, I did not sit there and watch the entire half-hour broadcast. But my friend has, several times. And he tells me that after reading a news item, the anchor, as I'll call her, delivers some sort of humorous comment, but usually with a feminist bent. Which makes you wonder., "Who is running this web site?" Because if it is other women, they are communications geniuses. They have a captive audience of men, who because of the fact that they choose to get their news from a naked chick rather than Peter Jennings, aren't that enlightened. And their mental defenses to a feminist message are down, due to the fact that he probably has a hard-on, so maybe, just maybe, feminist dogma might find a home in his brain among the lineup of the 1994 Cleveland Browns and the best place to get chili cheese fries. Brilliance, pure brilliance.

Animal Husbandry by Laura Zigman
Love Invents Us by Amy Bloom

Last fall, I read two books that just blew my mind and renewed my faith in "chick lit," as the critics like to call it. Animal Husbandry is about getting over getting tossed by the wayside like yesterday's pork rinds, while Love Invents Us is about not letting a little thing like a mere dumping stop true love.

Zigman starts with the "Old Cow, New Cow" theory which states that after some time, no matter how you dress up the old cow to look like a new cow, the bull will always prefer to mate with the new cow. If I hadn't been dumped for no good reason, other than the fact that I was no longer a new cow, while I was reading this book, I don't think I would have believed it. I know it's fiction, but the theories on men's behavior really started to make sense to me after a while, and now I recommend it to friends who have been dumped. It's being made into a romantic comedy movie with Ashley Judd and Greg Kinnear. Judging from the trailer and the fact that the title is changed, I'm guessing that the producers took some creative liberties, but don't let that stop you from reading the book.

Love Invents Us tells the sex life of Elizabeth, a girl growing up on Long Island and dealing with somewhat unwanted advances from the lecherous owner of a fur store and later, her high school English teacher. In spite of her initial sexual confusion, Elizabeth falls in love with Huddie, the lanky star of the basketball team. A scandal ensues because she's Jewish and he's African-American. He disappears. She is left wondering, as is her English teacher who was left in the lurch.

The relationships between the trio remain enmeshed as the years go by and they experience births, deaths, divorces and second chances. Read it, you won't be sorry.

Blink 182
Enema of the State

I'm a bit ashamed to admit that this disc gets as much play as it does in my stereo, because the songs are a bit misogynistic. Maybe misogynist is not the correct term, but the lyrics suggest that the band isn't the most enlightened bunch of tattooed SoCal guys. But anytime that I feel the need to get really mad at something, like when I put together an IKEA computer desk on a hot, July day, I crank it. Also, I know most of the words, so I sing along--that is when nobody else is around to witness the agony of my musical stylings. Also, I have to agree with them that nobody loves you when you're twenty-three.

Naughty Bits
By Roberta Gregory

I've been reading this comic book since around the time I moved to the Tri-state area, about 2½ years ago. I probably picked it up because it had the word, "Naughty" in the title, but after I started reading it, I was blown away by the creativity and insight found on the pages. One of her on-going characters is Midge (otherwise known to the rest of the world as, "Bitchy Bitch") who manages to capture the rage, desires as well as the fears that many women share. And Roberta is not afraid to tackle the tough issues such as politics, gun control, women's health, the religious right,--just off the top of my head.

My one complaint, which has nothing to do with Ms. Gregory's skills as a writer and artist, is that whenever I go into Midtown Comics, at 7th Avenue and 40th Street, to get my latest Naughty Bits fix, or even to pick up an issue or two that I may have missed, I have to search for it in the "Adult" section. So here I am, a good girl from Ohio, rifling through titles that feature drawings of women who make Barbie look like Calista Flockhart, in search of my favorite comic book. Granted, I don't think 12-year-olds should be reading Naughty Bits, but lets make it a bit easier to enjoy this kind of wacky work.

The bottom line is that she is a forerunner for strong women's voices in traditionally male forums, such as comic books. And sometimes she even provides her dear readers with paper dolls or wrapping paper on the covers. Now, isn't that nice?

Random Recipe
Pasta Puttanesca

The name refers to "ladies of the night" who I guess needed a quick and nutritious meal so they can get back to peddling their "goods." But I think this delightful dish is good even if you're not getting jiggy with it.

1 pound of pasta (I like rotini or bowties)
1 Tablespoon olive oil
3 cloves garlic
1 28-ounce can of plum tomatoes
2 tablespoons capers
1 Teaspoon dried oregano
1 Teaspoon dried basil
pinch of red pepper flakes
¾ cup black and green olives, pitted
¼ cup Italian parsley

Sautee the garlic in the olive oil until brown. Add the tomatoes that you have cut up or crushed, capers, oregano, basil and red pepper to taste. Then add the olives and cook for 10 to 15 minutes. Add parsley, toss the sauce with the pasta and serve.

Emergency Vets
Animal Planet

At first I thought I was a bit weird for loving Emergency Vets so much, but then I divulged my admiration for the docs at Alameda East Animal Hospital to my Aunt Maggie, and her face lit up like an overanxious cocker spaniel. The show follows around the patients, animal and otherwise, and staff as they try to figure out why Fluffy doesn't chase yarn anymore. So, not only do you get high quality medical drama, but you also get to watch recovered puppies, kitties, snakes, turtles, etc, frolic and play thanks to their new found good health. It's not always a happy ending. Sometimes the patients end up in the big litter box in the sky. And it is kind of gross at times. I once watched a poor boxer have one of her front legs amputated, but man, can that little dog run on three legs.

Emergency Vets is the best alternative for an apartment dweller like me who can't have a pet, unless you count the crisper drawer of my refrigerator, because I think I saw something move in there last week. Now, if only they could get George Clooney on the show, it would fulfill my every dream.