"You wanna start something, tough guy?"
I'm Not from Jersey. My Hair Isn't Enough
Quirky Doesn't Even Begin to Describe It
I'm In Need of Some Bad Medicine
Fiction: Very Slightly Off Balance
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I Can't Guarantee You Won't Be Arrested
The Key to Living in New Jersey
Poetry Corner: Something's Fishy
Stuff That You Didn't Even Want to Know
Stuff That Doesn't Suck Like a Hoover
How
to be a stalker
Stalking is without a doubt a lost art form. I'm not talking about psychopathic "taking a nap in Brad Pitt's bed" type of stalking. I refer to the harmless, un-requited love thing. And I say this from the point of view of a stalker and a stalkee. When I do stalk someone, I do my best to maintain a high degree of decorum and style. I usually don't succeed in doing this, but I try and that's what's important. And when I am stalked myself, I appreciate it when the stalker is so skillful, that I don't even realize I'm being stalked. With these tips, you too can become the next James or Jane Bond.
- Go online. "The Internet has made stalking so much easier," a young man who I was stalking at the time said to me. If you're at a university with an internal email system that you know your stalkee uses frequently, you can usually look up the last time they logged on and sometimes the location they did it. I'll admit it. I used this method. I'm not proud of it, but it worked at the time. Metacrawler will also find anything you could ever want to know about a person. www.switchboard.com and www..anywho.com will locate the object of your affections, if he has an address. If he doesn't have an address or just moved (perhaps because you were stalking him?) then you're out of luck, unless you try…
- Alumni publications. If your intended has graduated from a major institution, check out the announcements section of the alumni magazine. I have been stalked this way. I made the mistake of sending in the news of my latest job several months ago and just last week, a young man who during my sophomore year decided I was the best thing since sliced bread, called me at work. Which brings me to …
- Don't call her at work. She can't talk at work, which might be good depending on your relationship. But if you want this person to think well of you, despite the fact that you are stalking them, don't piss her off or get her fired for responding to emails on the company's system. That would be bad. And speaking of pissing people off…
- When you call, have something to say. The goal is to stay on this person's good graces while tracking their every move. Ask about the book that you know she is reading, gossip about the hideous fashion faux paux that her worst enemy made, or, dare I say it, invite her out for a cup of coffee. Make a list of potential topics if you have to, but gosh darn it, say something interesting.
- Don't underestimate the power of a drive by. This was my preferred method in high school. When I couldn't drive, I walked. On Friday nights, my friends and I would pile into somebody's mom's mini van and we would cruise from house to house, checking to see if any lights were on in his bedroom or to count the cars in the driveway. I have to admit, it didn't really work, but there wasn't much else to do in Bellbrook, Ohio on a Friday night.
- Make friends with your beloved's siblings. You will be that much closer to being in his physical presence. You never know, you may be lucky enough to get invited to a sleepover and if you're sneaky, you accidentally pop into the bathroom while he's taking a shower. I'm not even that sneaky, but it could work, in theory.
- Make friends with his ex-es. Learn all the dirt and find out if he's really worth stalking. Because even if he bears a striking resemblance to Kevin Bacon, if he's terrible in the sack, there's no use trying.
- If you go out to find her, make sure the weather is terrible. Nobody can resist that "lost puppy" syndrome. If you coincidentally show up at the same place she is dripping wet and shivering because it's January and you somehow forgot your coat, I can guarantee she will either take you home and spoon-feed you chicken noodle soup or she will leave your cold, wet ass in the pouring rain. It depends on how good of a stalker you are.
I hope my dear reader realizes that this is all a bunch of bullshit. All it does is make you feel like you're doing something to make this person, who probably doesn't deserve you, fall head over heals in love with you. In truth, there's nothing anybody can do. It either happens or it doesn't. In my own personal experience, stalking has never resulted in anything resembling a normal relationship. But it's kind of fun and a lot more interesting than stamp collecting.
